Making Moves

Holding myself accountable to you, the people of Substack.

As the body starts to soften, ache, and crease in one’s thirties, the notion of ‘wellness’ suddenly takes centre stage.

Intermittent fasting replaces a mid-week doner kebab and a few pints after work. Holidays to Ibiza involve a spiritual cleanse and yoga retreat rather than a three-day bender in San Antonio. Cult-like gyms promise to tackle depleting metabolism levels through the legalised torture known as CrossFit.

While scrolling LinkedIn, the ambitious thirty-something considers adopting an unsustainable daily routine proudly championed by sociopathic CEOs (‘Work out, 2.30 a.m.… Plan repopulation of Earth to Mars, 4.30 p.m… Family time, TBD’). Dream homes or jobs are ‘manifested’ in the face of economic realities and personal competency.

In sharply lit pharmacies, crow’s feet-fearing Millenials spend hundreds of pounds on moisturisers made from the tears of newborns. WhatsApps asking to cancel social plans provide the endorphins once supplied by running. As sciatica rears its nerve-aggravating head, we remember our parents splayed out on the living room floor.

‘Listen, kids,’ they would whisper in suppressed agony as another disc slipped southwards. ‘Whatever you do, as you get older, make sure you stretch every day!’

When I lie awake at night, my thigh numb and my foot buzzing from the ceaseless pressure on my lower back, I think, "You know what? Maybe they were right..."

And yet, despite a growing list of minor ailments typical of one’s thirties, I haven’t embraced many of these wellness trends.

I’m just as bad at warming down after exercise as I was twenty years ago. I only got as far as Day Six in Yoga With Adriene’s 30-day challenge before getting injured. And no, I still don’t want to cold water swim.

One thing I do want to embrace, though, is the idea of goal-setting. I’m holding myself accountable once again by sharing my goals with you.

All I wanted for 2024 was a pull-up, but for 2025, we’re aiming higher. By the end of the year, I want to have:

• Doubled the number of subscribers to this Substack from 75 to 150

• Learned Spanish to a decent level (e.g. not just ‘con tarjeta, por favor’)

• Published — or have commissioned — a piece of fiction (short story or otherwise…)

• Unleashed my book on whips to an unsuspecting world… finally

There. I’ve said it. It might not be a daily ice bath or an ultramarathon, but it will do.

RECOMMENDATIONS

Now read this: In his daily newsletter the FT’s Stephen Bush, the doyen of political analysis, casts his eye over the recent Elon Musk/Nigel Farage row (and, in addition, makes some very good points too about the Conservative opposition’s recent antics).

Heretic: Granted, I enjoyed this a bit more than the Pareja de Hecho… but Hugh Grant was excellent as an unnervingly charming Brit trying to lure two Mormons into his intellectual (and literal) trap. Available to order on Amazon Prime now.

Smile 2: This horror sequel came out a while ago, but it’s now available to rent/buy. I thought this was better than the first movie, and Naomi Scott should have been nominated for various awards (though horror films often get overlooked, it was nice to see Demi Moore win a Golden Globe for The Substance. Did this Substack’s recommendation for the film convince the Hollywood Foreign Press? Who knows).

See you next week x